Question:

I was a Hindu. After falling in love with a Muslim guy, I converted to Islam since I felt that it is the right path. We got married about three years ago without telling our parents. But we really never lived together as we were working in different places in USA.

I told my parents about two years ago that I was in love with a muslim boy and converted to Islam and want to marry him. (I did not tell them until now that I am already married to him because I am very scared to tell them). They said that they would die if I do that and hence asked me to come back to India to be with them. I came back to India to convince them. It has been one and half years that I came back to India and trying to convince them. I am very scared of my father and am not really able to convince him about Islam. I do not know what to do. My parents say that if I do not marry a Hindu boy, they will never talk to me, keep crying and spoil their health and die. From past two years (since the time I told them), my parents' health is not very good due to all this. If I leave my parents now, I am scared that the society will banish them and they will keep suffering for my decision.

Even if I go back to my husband, I feel I will keep crying for my parents and will not be able to keep my husband happy. I feel like I have betrayed my parents though they have done so much for me until now. I feel I am the reason for their suffering now. My younger brother too hates me for all this. I feel like I am all alone and the cause of my parents' and brother's sadness and I can't bear this thought.

 

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

 

Respected Sister in Islām,

First and foremost I wish to express my happiness for the turning point of your life. Changing one’s old ways and embracing Islām requires a lot of honesty, sincerity and courage. When I converted to Islām myself, my friend told me: “Buckle up, because it is going to be a bumpy ride!” He was very correct in that aspect and just like we had to go through some hardship, likewise millions of other converts in the past, present and future have had to go through some sacrifice in one way or the other.

We have been fortunate to have received this guidance from Allāh and consequently, our main worry and concern is to safeguard that guidance and to completely integrate into life as a Muslim.

 

A convert generally goes through different stages:

  1. 1.The amazing journey and discovery of Islām.
    1. a.Personal realisation of the truth of Islām.
    2. b.Debate with friends and family.
    3. c.Conflict with the immediate surroundings.
  2. 2.Independent life as a Muslim.
  3. 3.Death in a state of Imān.
    1. a.Being married.
    2. b.Living on one’s own and having one’s own family.

 

The reality of Islām is to practice on it and to progress by leading a life that is pleasing to Allāh and his Messenger. A fundamental mistake that tends to be made by new converts is that they tend to remain stuck in stage one, in which they keep on going in circles, reiterating their personal realisation of the truth of Islām. They are shocked over the fact that despite the truth being so overly obvious, that others are unable to see it. They think it is a matter of presenting a few facts to convince the surroundings about the truth of Islām. However, this in actual fact is a ploy and trick of Shaytān to keep the new convert into stage number one.

Generally, a new convert is enamoured with so much of enthusiasm of exploring his new religion and getting to know his basics that under the correct circumstances he/she tends to progress very quickly and tends to make very drastic improvements. This is an extra advantage granted by Allāh, to make it easier for a convert to integrate into his life the daily practices of Islām that are required of him/her. Spiritual progress and closeness to Allāh is primarily about getting into the habit of praying five times a day and discharging all ones obligations. It is about integrating into one’s life a daily reading of Qur’ān, đikr and nafl salāh. This is different from people who are born into Islām, since they had the advantage of integrating these new aspects into their lives on a gradual basis from childhood until they became adults.

 

After Imān, our primary objective is ‘Amāl (deeds). The trick of Shaytān is to halter the progress of a new convert and to distract him, keeping him debating onto what has already been acquired until laziness takes over. Generally speaking, a new convert can exercise patience like that for three years and then laziness kicks in. Subsequently, the little amount that was acquired over that period of time eventually goes down the drain. Either this person will remain a Muslim by name only, or either this person will end up in Kufr. Very rarely are they able to make a comeback.

 

Therefore, as a convert, you have to be selfish and only think about yourself. First you have to strive to get to stage number two ASAP, and once you are completely independent and you have been able to fully integrate Islām into your life for a number of years, then you perhaps may start thinking about others.

 

From this, you can easily see that it is necessary upon you to go to your husband and start your family life with him. Over there, you need to work diligently in implementing Islām into your life. You may get children for whom you need to provide an Islamic environment; your children and your husband. Once you succeeded in that, you now have a visual example that you can show to your parents. As such, you will no longer be just explaining a few noble theoretical concepts, but rather you will show them the true beauty of Islām, in practice. I know of several converts who were kicked out of the house. Eventually they got married, had children and out of mercy they would return to their parents with their wife in full hijāb and with their cute baby wrapped up in their arms. The mother would open the door unknowingly that her son or daughter is standing outside. She would open the door and her heart would simply melt away and as such they re-established contact. In the Hindu culture, this may be a bigger challenge though. But no matter what, there is no parent on the face of this planet who harbours in his chest a Mount Everest. Sooner or later, every parent’s heart is bound to melt in mercy.

 

As far as the complaints of your parents are concerned, the detoriation of their health and perhaps the imminent death that may occur because you have married outside your religion etc; all of that is frankly speaking, nothing for you to be worried about. All of these are nothing but baseless arguments and Waswasah from Shaytān to keep you circling around into stage one. It is a very common trick employed by Shaytān, even the Sahābah had to face these issues. Consider Hadhrat Sa’d bin abi Waqqaas Radī Allāhu Anhu, he was in a similar predicament. His mother took an oath not to speak to her son, eat or drink as long as he does not leave Islām and come into Kufr again. Her argument was based on the fact that Allāh commanded the believers to be good and kind to their parents. In this manner, she wanted to impose herself on Sa’d by taking that oath. Three days had passed and she collapsed out of hunger. Yet this would not deter him from remaining steadfast on his Dīn.[i]This does not mean that we should be rude to our parents. It merely means that we have to be realistic as far as our limitations are concerned of what we can do and what we cannot. Kufr can never be an option; as such we will disobey them when they demand us to leave our Religion or to do such acts that eventually will lead to our Imān getting jeopardized.

 

In life, it is impossible to please everybody. As such, instead of living a life according to other people’s expectations, we rather lead a live according to the expectations of our Messenger of Allāh. This life is a life of trials and tribulations, consider following āyāt:

 

 

{ يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِنَّ مِنْ أَزْوَاجِكُمْ وَأَوْلَادِكُمْ عَدُوًّا لَكُمْ فَاحْذَرُوهُمْ وَإِنْ تَعْفُوا وَتَصْفَحُوا وَتَغْفِرُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ} [التغابن: 14]

O believers! Surely among your wives and your children there are some who are your enemies; so beware of them. But if you pardon, overlook and forgive their faults, then know that Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

{الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْمَوْتَ وَالْحَيَاةَ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْغَفُورُ} [الملك: 2]

 

The One Who created death and life, so that He may put you to test, to find out which of you is best in deeds: He is the All-Mighty, the All-Forgiving.

 

{أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَنْ تُتْرَكُوا وَلَمَّا يَعْلَمِ اللَّهُ الَّذِينَ جَاهَدُوا مِنْكُمْ وَلَمْ يَتَّخِذُوا مِنْ دُونِ اللَّهِ وَلَا رَسُولِهِ وَلَا الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَلِيجَةً وَاللَّهُ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ} [التوبة: 16]

 

Do you think that you will be left alone (without trial)? While Allah has not yet demonstrated which of you had exerted your utmost struggle (in the path of Allah) and did not take any intimate friends other than Allah, His Rasūl and the believers? Allah is well aware of all your actions

{ أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَنْ تَدْخُلُوا الْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَعْلَمِ اللَّهُ الَّذِينَ جَاهَدُوا مِنْكُمْ وَيَعْلَمَ الصَّابِرِينَ} [آل عمران: 142]

Do you think that you will enter paradise without going through the trial? Allah has not yet tested you to see who among you strive hard for His cause and who show patience for His sake.

 

{أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَنْ تَدْخُلُوا الْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُمْ مَثَلُ الَّذِينَ خَلَوْا مِنْ قَبْلِكُمْ مَسَّتْهُمُ الْبَأْسَاءُ وَالضَّرَّاءُ وَزُلْزِلُوا حَتَّى يَقُولَ الرَّسُولُ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا مَعَهُ مَتَى نَصْرُ اللَّهِ أَلَا إِنَّ نَصْرَ اللَّهِ قَرِيبٌ } [البقرة: 214]

Do you think that you will enter Paradise without any trials while you have known the examples of those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with suffering and adversity and were so violently shaken up that even the Rasūl and the believers with him cried out: "When will Allah's help come?" Then they were comforted with the words, Be aware! Allah's help is ever close.

 

{وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنْفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ} [البقرة: 155]

And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the steadfast,

 

 

Lastly, one important point to keep in mind is that in this world, only Allāh is going to be looking after you. Don’t put your reliance on any of the creation, for at any random time any of that support may be taken away. Currently you have the support of your loving husband, but don’t be baffled when that support gets taken away in one way or the other. Allāh took away Hadhrat Khadījah and the beloved uncle, Abu Tālib at a time when Nabī Karīm needed them the most.

In such times, remain patient, steadfast and find comfort in the fact that Allāh is taking care of you. Allāh will eventually make a way out for you. As such, my advice to you is also to buckle up and to swim in the ocean of Islām.

There are many challenges ahead of you. We make du’ā to Allāh that he may grant to you steadfastness and peace, Āmīn.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Khalil Johnson

Student Darul Iftaa
Canada

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai



[i] المسند الصحيح المختصر بنقل العدل عن العدل إلى رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم, مسلم بن الحجاج أبو الحسن القشيري النيسابوري, 261هـ, محمد فؤاد عبد الباقي, دار إحياء التراث العربي - بيروت, الأولى، 1411هـ - 1991م, , 1411هـ - 1991م, 5 [1877 4] - (1748) حدثنا أبو بكر بن أبي شيبة، وزهير بن حرب، قالا: حدثنا الحسن بن موسى، حدثنا زهير، حدثنا سماك بن حرب، حدثني مصعب بن سعد، عن أبيه، أنه نزلت فيه آيات من القرآن قال: حلفت أم سعد أن لا تكلمه أبدا حتى يكفر بدينه، ولا تأكل ولا تشرب، قالت: زعمت أن الله وصاك بوالديك، وأنا أمك، وأنا آمرك بهذا. قال: مكثت ثلاثا حتى غشي عليها من الجهد، فقام ابن لها يقال له عمارة، فسقاها، فجعلت تدعو على سعد، فأنزل الله عز وجل في القرآن هذه الآية: {ووصينا الإنسان بوالديه حسنا وإن جاهداك على أن تشرك بي}

KHARWASTAN

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